"Elizabeth"

 

 

 

 

   The more I listened to Samuel speak the more I wanted to scream. I looked at the people around me and couldn't believe they were okay with what was being said.

 

   Hold on, that's not quite right.

   I grew up with a father that twisted Scripture to fit his own beliefs so I knew it was possible. What I couldn't figure out is how the people sitting all around me-the ones I thought were my family both by marriage or however our paths were crossed, (regardless, I believed they were given to me by God) could even want to hear any more of what these strangers had to say.

 

When I looked at my husband and saw on his face that he was not only buying it, but he was also looking to hook his cart right up to it, I knew I couldn't sit there any longer. I let out a huff uncaring if it seemed rude, and I stormed off. I wanted no part of it. I just hoped that when Lucas got home, he'd tell me he was just taking in so he could shut it down. If not, I'd have no problem trying to snap him out of it. 

 

I grabbed my children and told them it was time to go and I thanked God they were well behaved and listened without hesitation.

 

   "Lizzie, wait honey. What's going?" my mother (for all intents and purposes), Julie asked.

 

   Coming off a little harsher than I intended, I snapped, "Are you kidding? I'm not going to sit here and listen to that." Once the twins were in the backseat and their doors were closed I said in a calmer voice, hoping they wouldn't overhear, "What does all of that mean for Christopher? I'm sorry but there is no way I'm staying. And to be honest I'm rather sickened that my husband didn't get up and put a stop to it. I'm going home." I finished, and opened the driver's side door, ready to get out of there.

 

   "Is it okay if I come with?" Julie asked to which I nodded, even though I wasn't sure if she was going to be on my side or if she was in agreement with the clearly lost.

 

   As I drove, I couldn't help but feel as if my entire life was going to explode or implode, I have no idea. I guess the later was closer to what was happening. I didn't cause the destruction I knew was going to come. No, it was an outside force that came, and like a thief in the night wanted to rob me of what I knew was the truth.

 

The ride home seamed to take twice as long as usual and the twins were off and running the moment I shifted the vehicle into park. I was afraid they might have been sensing something was off-but figured more than likely, it was due to the fact that they were nearing double digits.

 

I sat in the driver seat looking out at the home we lived in for the past four years and felt my heart ache. I loved that home. It was given to us by Lucas's grandfather once he moved to Florida after he and Lucas's grandma got together. It was perfect for us and as I looked at it I wondered if it would stay the same.

 

   "Christopher loved Jesus, mom, we both did. So does that mean he isn't covered by the blood because he didn't know his Savior's name? I'm sorry... there's no way. There is no way that the God Lucas convinced me was loving and merciful would do something like that. Lucas sat there and assured me Christopher was forgiven- that we were covered by what happened on the cross…and now, now that might not be true. Well, I am not havin' it. I will not let another man tell me what only God can tell me." I yelled. not because I was angry with Julie, but because I was angry. More than that I was terrified.

 

   "I know sweetheart, I know." Julie assured me, and as best as she could while the two of us sat in my car, she hugged me.

 

   "Mom, I loved Christopher so much. I know that Lucas was a gift, a second chance at love that I never thought I wanted and heck, I never thought I get, but I am praying...I am praying so hard that he does not believe this, because if he does-oh he just can't." I managed to get out. I didn't believe in divorce, but I also had no idea what would come if Lucas and I weren't on the same page with this.

 

Julie and I went inside and no matter how I tried to work things out in my mind, I couldn't. The two of us were mostly quiet but would blurt out our thoughts when they got too heavy to keep inside. The longer it took for Lucas to come home the more it seemed I cried. When I got too tired, I rested my head on her lap and fell asleep. I pretended to still be asleep when Lucas and Robert finally got home.

 

 

   

   "I have one question, and depending on how you answer it will determine if I will ask what happened after we left." Julie spoke to our husbands in a hushed voice. I'll have to assume my husband nodded because she continued, "What does this mean for my son?"

 

Robert took in a sharp breath and I only know it was him because Lucas started right away in a hushed but clear voice, "I had a feeling that might be it. Listen, this is all new, but He isn't. So, I'm going to have to go with what I know. What the Scripture says. We are judged differently when we don't know His name. So…" he started, but Julie cut him off, "Lucas, I want you to tell me if my son is in Heaven or not?"

 

   "Well, in all fairness…" Lucas started again but this time it was Robert that interrupted.

 

   "Hold on a minute, love. That is not fair for you to put on him like that." which was the wrong thing to say because Julie moved me off of her lap, and snapped back at her husband as she glared right up into his face.

 

   "He's your son. You better want to know where he is, and you better not be telling me that you bought into any of this if it wasn't made crystal clear as to where he is." At that, I couldn't hold back my tears. When Robert took the step between him and his wife, Julie she fell in his arms, but when Lucas tried to comfort me, I yelled, "No. You just leave me alone!" and I ran out the door.

 

 

I got back in my car and I took off.

I had no idea where I was going and I didn't care as long as it was far away from my house. I ended up driving to the church., and sat in the parkin' lot and I cried. I cried without words for a bit, and then I cried as I talked to my Father in heaven.

 

   "I sure wish I could hear Your voice right about now. Something about this whole thing doesn't feel right. If this is true then I don't know what to do. I mean, are You even listening to me? You say over and over You only listen to the righteous-those are the ones you turn Your ear toward so if I am wrong…I can't be, I'm not wrong, I feel You. Oh, Father…why can't You just stop the deceiver once and for all already. You've got to be tired of all of this by now, right?"

 

Not knowing where to go but still not wanting to go home, I let myself into the building and into the sanctuary. When I got to the front I laid myself down under the cross that was glowing white from behind like always, and I ended up falling asleep.

 

 

 

   "There you are." I heard Lucas call out, startling me awake. "Liz, I have been worried sick. Please talk to me, Beautiful." I heard him, but I didn't want to move.

 

Taking a seat on the floor next to where I was laying he lifted me up so my head could rest on his leg and he began running his fingers through my hair.

What normally brought me comfort only broke my heart.

 

   "Why do you believe this stuff? You know the Truth, I know you do, so why are doing this?" I begged, and began to cry all over again.

 

   "Hold on. I'm not doing anything Liz. Search your heart, search His Word nothing that was said goes against what's in His Scripture." He said with a calmness drenched in certainty that only caused me to feel even more anger beginning to rise.

 

He flinched when I sat up and spoke in the very anger I knew I shouldn't have spoken in but the venom flew out of my mouth before I could stop it. "I'm not going to give up on Christopher for you, Lucas. This lie, this whatever it is I will not be fooled by it all because you somehow got lost. I fell for it once when we were on the same team but now, now you just switched sides like nothing at all." I felt bad because it came out much worse than I meant for it to. That's exactly why it's never a good idea to speak when we are angry. When he forced a swallow and closed his eyes, it was only my pride that stopped me from apologising like I should have.

 

   "I know you didn't mean that, but it really hurt. Liz, I am sorry that I can't give you the answer that you want, but I couldn't give it to you before with any more certainty that I can right now. I have always told you I believe Christopher is one of His and with as much certainty, I will say the same thing. The Most High made us, and He is the Only One that knows us fully. I know that before the Messiah's name is revealed to us, we are judged differently and that, I will stick to because that's the Truth. I love you. This is the Truth. I know it with all I have in me. I'm sorry that right now you are too hurt to see it for yourself, but I will pray that He will heal your pain again. I will also keep on loving you until you do, and He does." he promised. I wanted so badly to feel the love I had for the man there with me, but I felt betrayed.

 

  "What if I don't? What happens then?" I uttered.

 

   "Elizabeth, I love you, and I meant every word I said to you when we stood right there on our wedding day. I will never leave your side until my dying day. Just as I believed it to be true that day, I still believe it to be true this one, He will guide the way. Now, I will happily carry you into my office if you aren't going to come home, but I would really love it if you would let me take you home." He reminded while professing again his undying love for me. While that should have been enough, it wasn't.

 

Even though I still wasn't in a good place, I didn't want to hurt him any further so I let him know I would be staying right where I was. Lucas kissed my forehead and left, only to return with a blanket that I had no idea where it came from but figured it didn't matter. After placing it over me, he left for real, but only after he kissed me again.

 

 

 

 

 

"Lucas"

 

   No part of me wanted to leave my wife on the floor, but I knew I couldn't stay. She was hurt and in all the time we had been together I'd never seen that side of her. I wanted so badly to fix it for her, just like I had when we first met. Unfortunately, that is still not how things work. Feeling as if I had just been punched in the gut, I made my way out to my truck and found myself talking a whole lot-both inwardly as well as outwardly to the only One that had any chance of fixing things.

 

   "I can't wrestle with a ghost, nor do I want to. Yahuah," I said His name out loud for the first time and even more I knew it was right, despite the fact that my wife just couldn't see it for herself. "Why do I feel as if I have to choose? Oh Yah, please don't make me choose." Before I drove off I sent Samuel a text. I knew it was late but I needed someone.

 

My phone rang and I picked up right away.

 

    "Is it your wife?" He asked as soon as I answered.

 

I cried out, yes and felt the strain in my voice as I wished it wasn't so.

 

   "I don't think you called for me to ask you the tough question, but I must. Who will you choose to follow? Will you choose Him above and beyond the woman you love, or will you choose to go back to sleep?" I groaned out loud in heart wrenching pain. It was emotional, it was spiritual, but it was most definitely painful, and it was getting stronger as the seconds ticked on.

 

   "Samuel, I sort of knew you were going to ask me that already because I felt as if He was asking me the same thing. I reached out to you because I wasn't sure if that's what He was asking but once you said it, I knew-I just pulled a Jonah…"

 

   "Ah, yes, brother Yonah. At least you didn't wait to be swallowed up by the big fish, unless of course I am the fish…" he teased, and I was grateful for it.

 

   "Well, do you know the answer or would you prefer to speak to Yahuah alone?" he redirected, and I answered, "I don't think I could ever walk away from His Truth now that I felt it rattle my bones. It breathed life into me that I have never felt the likes of before. While it's similar to the way I felt when I was younger and battling cancer, when I seeked and I searched and I cried out and I felt almost the same feeling I have surging through me, only this is so much more intense. I can't explain it."

 

   "Ah. I know. I was once asleep too. Only my indoctrination was more about coming out of the manufactured pride of my people. We were told our whole lives by the early settlers that we were something we weren't. My father never once forgot who he was though. He told me as well as my generation that we were Hebrew and he lived by the Word of Yahuah. He lived Set Apart. Turns out that mostly means that people think you are insane but he didn't care. He loved Abba. He taught me about the Covenant and just as found in the Word he told of all the history and showed me how to celebrate the Feasts, and the importance of keeping Sabbath. I wanted no part of it until I became a father myself and it was time to have my son circumcised. I went back to my father and that is when I found my own faith."

 

“The worst part about indoctrination no matter what it is that is being forced on you, is that it seems right until it doesn't. Sadly, for most people they don't get the chance, or they choose what they know because it's easier. When it comes to faith though, what you’re taught- be it truth or the lies of Ha'Satan can easily remain someone else faith and belief all together if we never search for ourselves. Just like with the Israelites; group faith can be a good thing, but it isn’t the type of faith that makes a person chose above all else, the Creator. We can say that He is our all and all but when it comes down to it…when it gets hard, do you try to go back to sleep, or do you make your way onto the narrow path?"

 

Knowing without a doubt and being able to say it once again, that I wanted Yahuah above all things. The truth of the realisation broke the human part of my heart that loved my wife. After I thanked him for his help and we hung up, I made my way over to my parents. It was three in the morning, and a part of me didn't want to bother them, but I couldn't seem to stop myself from driving there, or from going inside.

 

 

   Both of my parents came out of their room when they heard me call out. Neither bothered to hide the fact that I woke them, and their energy quickly shifted from groggy to wide awake yet worried parents faster than coffee could have ever pulled off. I fell into my father's arms in a way I don't believe I ever had a day in my life, and if I had, it was when I was much younger.

 

   "Dad…" was all I had to say, and he held me, just like I needed him to-as I cried.

 

I sensed my mother fluttering around the kitchen more than likely making coffee or doing something to try and distract herself, or maybe even hide that she was crying too, which I only knew because I heard her sniffle. The tea kettle screamed it was ready and my dad led us to the kitchen table when I stood all the way up trying to regain my composure.

 

   "Can I ask you something, Lucas?" he began, and I sighed inwardly thinking that I was really starting to dread that question and let him know as much before nodding that he could.

 

   "Is there any part of you that feels this is wrong?" before I answered the pastor in me needed to make sure that they had been given eyes to see and ears to hear.

 

   "That is not what I am asking son. I will tell you what I think about it all- after. What I want to know as your dad, is if at any time did you feel what was being told to you by that fire wasn't right?" His answer frustrated me, and I found myself wanting to defend myself only instead of rushing, I closed my eyes, and I called out from  some place in my spirit for His wisdom. What I felt was almost the same as I always had only it felt even more clear somehow. Tell them the truth…

 

   "I heard it from Marcus before Samuel shared by the fire, and while Marcus was telling me, I prayed the whole time. The more he said the more I felt as if the very Being that I thought I was close to in spirit came closer and closer until I could almost feel Him right before me. When Samuel spoke, it was as if I had been under water before seeing things distorted, but I only realised they weren't clear once the water had been drained from around me." I explained even though I hadn't been sure how I would put any of it into words until the moment they came to me.

 

   "Please, dad tell me you and mom aren't asleep." I pleaded and knew once I saw the twinkle in his eye that he was going to say something to shake things up.

 

   "Well, we were absolutely asleep roughly twenty minutes ago…" he teased and winked at both my mother and I at the same time somehow when she gasped and muttered his name. "Don't worry dear, he will be fine. I was just playing. For me, I couldn't help but think, well ain't that somethin'. And then I looked up and saw the stars were same, the moon was still shining and the One that made them was still the One that made them. If anything, I figured it was nice to finally be on a first name bases with the One Who knit me together in my mother's womb. I figured it might get messy when Lizzie all but trotted off in a hurry, but I know she loves you and I know you love her too. In the end, it's love that conquers all. So, if she gets to buckin'-hold on tight and wait her out. We all prayed for her when she fought her feelings for ya back in the day, we will do it again no matter how long it takes. And just like back then we will continue to love her a little harder."

 

I had a feeling when I made my way toward my childhood home that if anyone could make it better it would be my parents. My dad was wise in so many ways and I wanted him to know how much I thought that to be true. I told him how much I loved him and that had my mother trying to hide her sniffles yet again. Rising from my place at the table I went over to where she was standing, took her in my arms and told her how much I loved her too.

 

 

   "Lucas, I hate this for you. I really do. I just hope she comes around. Was it Christopher?" I nodded a bit surprised but not all too much at the ease in which I then admitted,"You know for the first time, I was jealous of a ghost for a moment. Almost as fast as it crept in, Yahuah helped me recognise it for what it was, so I could push it away."

 

   "Oh my…how in the world did that happen?" my mother inquired and took a seat next to my dad while they both waited for me to answer.

 

   "Let's just say she told me she was choosing him over me. I knew though thanks to Him…that she's angry and more than likely afraid. He gave me the words and to be honest I don't even remember what I said to her. I just know that it was the hardest thing to walk away from her knowing or maybe more not knowing what comes next." I admitted, and was comforted when my dad prayed.

 

   "I can't believe how nice it sounds, hearing His name. There was a part of me that wondered if He had one because He tells us to call on it so often and yet…" My mother shared her thoughts with childlike adoration.

 

   "I know it will do no good to worry about how other people will take this, but the pastor in me-wait, I don't even know what this means for FCC." I began, but my dad covered my hand with his and simply reminded me not to get ahead of myself, "It will all work out Lucas. Maybe not the way we'd like but it will work out the way He knows it will."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lucas at the Church

 

 

   I couldn't figure out what was causing the dread I felt as I made my way into my office. My wife's car was no longer parked in the lot, I had no idea where she was but I figured maybe she went home. A part of me felt as if it was my first day on the job, and I suppose in some ways that it was. All I know is that seeing my sister behind her desk was a welcomed sight I didn't even know I needed and I found myself giving thanks for it.

 

   "I can't believe how good it feels to see you sitting there." I said and took a seat in one of the chairs in front of her desk.

 

With a lifted brow she threw back, "Hum, did I miss the memo? Was I not supposed to be here? I mean, I do work here or is that not the case anymore?" I loved my sister. I needed her banter because it was familiar and just as I was about to say something Marcus came in with 4 coffees and breakfast sandwiches for all of us as well.

 

   "You are a wonderful wonderful gift. Thank you." Beth said as she waited to see where we would be eating.

 

   "Hey, Barry…I've got food and coffee you want to eat in your office or head downstairs?" Marcus asked and Barry's simply let us know we could join him in his office.

 

We each took our usual seats in Barry's office and apart from that odd feeling it all seemed like a regular day. It was however a Monday and we had cancelled services the day before so that may have been the cause of it all but I knew there was something more than the obvious.

 

 

   "We cancelled yesterday without too much push back but we have to figure out what we are going to tell them. We can't keep them in the dark. Our abbreviated reasoning caused more questions and my inbox is out of control with people speculating things which is never good. I wish they would have just listened, prayed, and opened their Scriptures like we asked. You know?" Marcus threw out there. Barry swallowed and took a sip from his paper cup before offering his two cents.

 

   "I don't even know what to tell them. I am not sure what to do with it all myself. I looked up some stuff, I reached out to Samuel-which by the way thanks for introducing us he is a wealth of information but I can't sit here and tell you that I am even processing this with ease. Don't get me wrong, I believe there is truth to the names but all of it, what do I do with all of it?" he admitted.

 

   "Can I say something, I mean I know I am not a pastor and I didn't go to school or anything but, I am a sheep in this flock." My sister started and continued once we all gave her the go ahead. "It's a bit easy for me to take in because I sort of had the faith of others my whole life until my husband taught me to love scripture. We have a good family here but there's a clear divide. We have I'd say maybe a third of the people that come that truly seek Him for themselves and while I may be wrong, I believe I'm at least close just by the clear fruit that's being produced. Then we have the Sunday peeps who fill the seats but that's about it. Between the two groups you are going to have people that either immediately reject it, immediately embrace it, and I think you'll have a whole lot more that will need to hear more. I think those people are the one's who need to hear it from either Barry, or Lucas. Marcus you need to be strong for the ones who are ready. I've already heard some people blaming it on Marcus saying he was sent to destroy what God had built up before he came." Marcus didn't even flinch, but I took in a big breath and frowned.

 

 

   "I don't think I can do it. I will talk to the ones who have reached out to me already, but I feel like this is now my time to step away…" Barry began and held up his hand while asking if he could finish when I tried to stop him.

 

   "I don't mean this from a place of opposition. I think it's the right time though. This whole thing has me desperately needed to reconnect or maybe meet for the first time on a intimate level, my Creator. You know Mary's mom isn't well, and she was going to go and stay with her for a bit to help, but I feel like I need to go with her. I have an extra 20 years of all the lies and it's hard to wrap my brain around that. Each time I look further I find more deceit and it's a lot." My heart pounded in my chest at the thought of Barry leaving. He was my pastor, and then my mentor, colleague, and friend. Not having him around would be an absolutely noticeable void.

 

He began again after a few moments of silence passed.

 

   "I don't even know what to do with all my feelings of betrayal. I've tried to figure out if that is what it is because I thought I was angry at first and it may have been, but it's all so much there's so many layers. I hear people saying it's just the name but it's not. It so much bigger, and it goes so much deeper that I know in my heart I need to find peace again in the Only One that can offer it to me. I need to be with my Maker where He can show me His truth without all the noise. I'm tired of the world and the lies it's built upon. I do not like the person I can feel inside me that wants to lash out either." he confessed and then rubbed his eyes before taking another bite of his food.

 

 

   "Your anger…was any of it directed at the people you look up to spiritually? I'm asking because I wanted to lash out at my professors for teaching their indoctrinating lies to me just recently only to be reminded by Him that they are asleep. At least the ones I felt the most anger towards anyway. I went on a deep dive into that side of things and learned that so many people are sleeping. I also learned that some know exactly what they are doing and that's where I left my anger because He knows and He will take care of it all in His time." Marcus asked and Barry shook his head slightly before answering.

 

   "In a way, yes. I was also angry with the Most High for a bit when I had no right to be. It was how I felt though and I gave it to Him. I wrestled with Him from a position of feeling betrayed. I learned that's where it was coming from thankfully before He had to break my hip…" he joked and we all chuckled at what he was referencing.

 

   "It's hard not to look at it from a- what does this mean to me- or how could You have let this happen-stand point, at least that's how I felt but He quickly reminded me of Job, and Ezra. Funny I had just read the removed books a week before this came to light. Hard not to see His hand in that."

 

I enjoyed being able to talk things out like we were and while I hadn't planned on bringing things to a sadder place, I couldn't help but think my thoughts out loud,"I am going to miss this Barry. You have been an integral part of my life in so many ways and through out all the phases so far. It won't be the same without you but I do agree, you and Mary should be together and I will pray that you will find what you are looking for from and in Him." Once the words were out of my mouth I was hit with the reality that I had no idea how many people we would be losing from our church family, and I had no idea if my wife would be one of the ones that would go.

 

 

I excused myself wanting a moment alone with my Maker and when I closed the door in my office, I broke down for all that was next to come. I knew I trusted Him and I knew no matter what came next I wouldn't turn back.