"Elizabeth"

 

 

   "Hey, stranger." my brother greeted me when I got home from First Family's church service with our mom. Julie. She and I, along with a few others from what used to be FCC, started going to different churches across town since the day Marcus's brother decided to blow up our congregation.

 

I'd been spending a lot of time with the Morris's, especially on Sundays and while Lucas made it clear he loved me in both his word and his actions, being around him was too hard for me sometimes. 

 

   "I hope you aren't planning any funny business, Joshy. I want no part of it." I warned as I made my way to the sink in the kitchen to wash my hands. 

 

   "Lizzie, I just mentioned it's been a while. I miss you that's all. Now take a breath and relax that pretty little face of yours before you give yourself wrinkles." he teased, in the brotherly way I was used to. As much as I was trying to figure out my new normal, it was nice being with Josh, and his parents. Most of the time it felt like the good ol' days, but sometimes, it was a hard dose of reality broadcasting just how much things had changed in only a few weeks.

 

   "Man, you sure are grouchy. What crawled up…" He snapped clearly catching my eye-roll, but before he could get the rest out, Robert tried to shut him down. "Leave it alone, Josh. If you're fixing for a fight, you can bring it to the ranch." 

 

   "Yes, sir. My apologies. I truly was only trying to get her to laugh. I misread the room is all. Sorry, Elizabeth." Joshua offered, but I felt the need to have at him. 

 

   "You know, I will address what you were about to say, even though it was crude and very unlike you. You want to know what crawled up my behind and died, I'll tell you. It's the way all the people I love-present company- mom and dad excluded, could lose their marbles and drink the Kool-Aid as if they hadn't been warned of it their whole lives. I'll excuse Marcus because he is new to the love of Christ but, you? No, not when you grew up being brainwashed by my father who was working on sending us all to hell with his legalism. You know Jesus came, and that's what matters. You can keep on trying to fool yourself into believing you can turn Jewish or keep all 613 of the laws that were already fulfilled but I'm not going back there. I refuse. I'll keep my salvation that was freely given because of my faith thank you. I'm done. Mom, please bring the kids home or call me and I'll come back, but I no longer have an appetite." I spat out. 

 

I was sick of everyone ganging up on me when all I asked was for them to leave me alone. They think they are right, and they found some hidden door- well, ironically enough, it was my husband who showed me that God wasn't the author of confusion in the first place and yet he somehow forgot it himself and is chasing after insanity like a chicken with its head cut off.

 

   "Josh leave her be…" I heard Julie call out to her son in warning, as Josh most certainly did not leave me be.

 

Following me out to my car, he returned, "Can you even hear yourself? I have known you for close to thirty years and never have I ever seen a nasty side of you and yet here you are, mean and miserable. Your own kids don't even want to be around you anymore Lizzie. How can you think you're the one standing on the right side of the fence? I hate this for you. And so would Chris." 

 

If the way I was feeling had been a stick of dynamite, Joshua had just lit the fuse. And let me point out that it wasn't a very long one to begin with. 

 

   "Don't you dare use him against me right now, I can't believe you said that. That's low, Joshua Jamison and you know it. The very thing you are choosing to embrace takes away your right to even speak of him as far as I am concerned. Now if you don't mind, I don't want to be around you anymore." I barked as the anger that consumed me had me nearly seeing red. I yanked the door of my car open and slammed it once I plopped myself down in the driver's seat. I couldn't believe that he would bring up the one thing that he should have been in agreement with me on yet for some reason he too had lost his mind. 

 

 

 

   I hit the button on my steering wheel after asking my Bluetooth to call April and was glad when she told me to meet her at the SuperMart in town. I needed to keep busy, and I wanted to see my friend because even though she was also a part of the cult, she didn't push it on me. The only good thing I could see in the whole thing was the fact that she was in Scripture all the time. The reason I found that to be comforting is that the more she searched, the more I prayed she would find the real truth and not the one that the rest of the crowd had been blindly following. After all, one should always be leery when following the masses. More times than not- the "M" is silent.

   "I won't even ask. Let's just shop, okay." She said after I parked my car next to hers in the lot. 

 

   "I knew I made the right decision when I called you. Thanks for meeting me." 

 

   "Don't mention it." she returned, and I was already appreciating the distraction, as well as feeling grateful for the break. April was one of the first friends I made that was my age when I moved to Spring View, and over the years, our bond only grew stronger. April helped me gain a better head space and I almost forgot altogether the fight Joshua and I had earlier, until I opened the door to my home, and he was standing in my kitchen.
Instantly, I snapped at him, "You've got to be kidding me. Why are you in my house?" before I noticed Riley and Chris standing by Lucas.

 

   "Well, Lizzie. I was dropping off your children. Do you really want them to see you like this?" He answered, and just like usual, Lucas kept calm while I felt anything but, causing me to feel as if I was fighting a losing battle. Looking at the back of my children as Lucas led them upstairs caused my heart to break.

 

   "Lizzie, I hope you know that your determination to chase a ghost is destroying everything good in your life. Lucas is too good for what you are putting him through. Christopher is dead and I thought we finally moved passed this but apparently, that isn't the case. And while your husband loves you too much to break you, I love you enough to know you need to hear the truth." I think the combination of his resolved tone along with what I already knew I wouldn't like had my insides begging for me to turn around and run, but I stood there frozen, as I waited for the wrecking ball to finish me off. 

 

   "You are fighting against the Truth that can free you and save your soul because of a person no longer with us and you have no control over, and why is that…because like I said, he is dead. He isn't coming back, Lizzie. And yet you sit here clinging to a lie that you'd know was a lie if you'd just let go of the ghost already and lean into Him." The tears were hot as they fell down my cheeks. I wasn't sure if I could trust my voice, but I needed to speak.

 

   "You want me to embrace something that could mean he is gone for good. That he might not have made it to…?" I couldn't finish but Josh knew what I meant, and as much as I tried to pull from his arms when he pulled me against him, I finally caved.

 

   "No, Lizzie. No one is telling you that apart from the enemy. He wants to keep you from the peace you were already given and yet for some reason, once again you aren't willing to get out of your own way. I love you, but you have got to let go of Christopher so the One that made you can show you the truth. At this point, you've made my brother's ghost your god and no matter what your reason is behind it-the Almighty will take second place to no one. Seek Him for real before you run out of time." He said in a tone that was meant to show he was serious but more than anything-there was love. 

 

I didn't know what to do or how to process everything, but before I could do or say anything. Joshua pulled back a bit, lifted my chin, and pleaded one last time, "I know you loved him, but this isn't love anymore it's desperation brought on by full deception. No one has ever said that Yahuah equals damnation for Chris. I will say this though, what you're doing, the way you are fighting and turning away will separate you from the Almighty. And even though eternity is the place where we will be His brides, and our earthly ties are no longer the same, He does tell us we will know one another- this path will forever take away your chance of ever seeing Christopher again if you don't seek the Almighty and repent for this rebellion. You are better than this stiff-neckedness. As I said, I love you, Lizzie, and I will keep praying that you open your eyes, so He can allow you to see" 

 

 

   I was still crying when Joshua left and what made things even worse was the way my husband looked when he cleared the bottom step and was standing in the kitchen with me. I barely recognized him. Lucas was always so sure of himself, and he had a smile that could easily light up a room and yet as he looked at me, I saw something broken that my anger wouldn't allow me to see before. 

 

   "Oh, Lucas." I cried out and in two giant steps, he was pulling me into his arms and crying with me. 

 

   "Shhh." He whispered against the top of my head. "I love you so much, beautiful. Just believe that. Hold on to that." And if only for that moment. I chose to.   

 

   "Can we just turn back the clock for one night, before that dinner at your parents? Please…please." He didn't say anything, but he lifted me into his arms and took me to our bedroom. 

 

We cried. He held me in his arms, and our fingers were linked together until we fell asleep. I knew things weren't miraculously better between us but with his arms around me I pretended they might be again, as I soaked in the love I knew was there.

 

 

 

   I was still in my husband's arms when I woke the next morning, and even though I was no longer lost in the land of dreams, I kept my eyes closed in fear that if they opened the peace I had would flee. Just thinking about it, caused my breath to catch and in a fraction of a second Lucas was pulling me closer. He kissed the side of my head, and then the top when I squeezed him back. 

 

   "Good morning, Beautiful." I felt my bottom lip begin to quiver, but I didn't want to cry anymore. So, I quickly cleared my throat and asked him what his plans were for the day.

 

   "I'm free until this afternoon but if you have something in mind- I will happily reschedule," he informed me and nuzzled his chin on top of my head after he placed yet another kiss there.

 

   "Lucas, how do we fix this? I know I never want us to…" I started and the crack in my voice as I dreaded the thought of what I was about to say had him pulling back and lifting my chin so he could look me in my eyes.

 

Stroking my tears away with his thumbs he promised, "I will never leave you so don't even think it. I love you Elizabeth Walker nothing will change that." 

 

I pulled my bottom lip in and wanted so badly for his words to be enough. "But, how? How can you say that when we are living two completely different lives? Lucas, I don't think I am going to be able to see things like you." I confessed and prayed to my Heavenly Father for something. For some sort of compromise.

 

   "Will you agree to spend the morning with me with your bible open so we can talk? I would love to hear what's on your heart if you are willing to share." He offered, and while I wanted to believe it could be a step I knew what I knew. It was Lucas who showed me most of what I believed so I couldn't put too much hope in how anything would come of it apart from even more division.

 

   "How can that possibly help? I don't want to fight with you." I tried to reason, but Lucas shook his head and assured me, "Elizabeth, not once have I ever tried to fight with you. If you feel as though that isn't true then I am sorry. I hoped that what I was doing was loving you and giving you space while I prayed for you to seek Him." He explained with such raw honesty it caused my heart to ache.

 

   "I suppose it was me. I don't like it Lucas, I hate that it's ruined us. I hate that our family-that everything has changed, and I am afraid it will never be the same again." I pushed, and he leaned down and kissed me before he pushed back.

 

   "Liz, show me. Show me in His Word what you hate. Show me where you think the problems lie. I will not fight you. I will listen and take into consideration what witnesses you bring forth, and we can dissect every syllable until we've exhausted all options." He said and kissed me again. I missed my husband and feeling him in my arms. I missed the connection we had from the beginning and not knowing if I'd ever feel the same way again caused another tear to fall.

 

   "What if neither of us changes our mind?" I desperately put out there, to which he answered, "Can you try not to go into it with anything other than showing me what you see? Don't worry about trying to get me to change my mind. The Truth is the Truth and no matter what It will eventually make Itself known. Just hold on, give me thirty minutes, okay?" He said and jumped out of our bed. Unsure as to what he had in mind, I willed myself to stop overthinking and rolled over so that I could lay on Lucas's pillow. Closing my eyes as I breathed in the scent of my husband, I prayed that what we had would find its way back somehow. 

 

 

 

   Just before he returned, I began to feel sorry for some of the hurtful things I had said to him. It didn't matter why I said them; the words should have never been said. Joshua was right, Lucas was a good man, and he didn't deserve after all this time to be shoved into the shadows of Christopher. Especially since he had found a way to honor him not only in my life but in the twins as well since the very first day we met, and each day since. 
I was a bit surprised when Lucas stepped through the door carrying the wooden lap table that had a mug of coffee for himself, one with tea just as I liked it for me, and a stack of stuff that I couldn't determine what it was at first glance.

 

   "I'm back. I asked my mom if she could take the kids to the park for a bit, and then I gathered our things. Here's your bible, mine, paper, pens, and highlighters." 
"Lucas hold on. Can you put that over there for a second? I have something I need to say to you first."

 

He grabbed the tray and after he set it on the dresser, I made my way toward him while his back was still facing me. As soon as he turned around, I wrapped my arms around his waist and cried out, "I'm so sorry, Lucas, for all the horrible things I have said to you. This whole time you have been nothing but kind. You have shown me the same love you have shown me from the start, and I- I have been outright cruel to you. You don't deserve that, and I am…sorry." 

 

Lucas let out a full-body sigh and uttered that it was okay before adding, "Thank you. I know where it came from, but it is so good to hear you say that. I forgive you, and I love you. Can you show me now?" He said, so completely resolved as if he truly did need to hear me say those words so he could stand a little taller and breathe a little easier. Slipping out of my embrace but taking my hand in his so as to not let me go, he grabbed the tray from the dresser once again and nodded toward our bed. 

 

 

   We sat together. I was leaning against our bed with a bunch of pillows propping me up and Lucas was leaning on his arm as he curled beside me and flipped through his book to follow where I led him from mine. I knew he positioned himself so he could look at me and the way he made it clear that he was interested in what I had to show him, helped me muster up the tiniest bit of hope that we would figure something out, and if not, we'd keep on trying.

 

   "It's mostly Paul. Like here, in Ephesians 2:8–9 but Lucas I know that you know this. You are a preacher, or at least you were, and your preaching helped so many people come to Christ. So, I'm not sure how this is going to help." Lucas reached up and lifted my chin from looking down at the words in front of me so I could look at him.  The smile he offered was the same one that always stole my breath away. 

 

   "I'm still a preacher, and since you brought that up, can you try to just talk to me-I just want to have a conversation like I said to you before. I am not going to ping-pong Scripture back and forth with you because the Most High doesn't need me to fight for Him. What I would like to do instead is show you the things I missed all this time because of what I was taught. I want to show you what He has revealed to me since I've been seeking Him diligently. If you aren't ready for that it can wait until you're ready, but I do hope you will keep showing me what it is that you are seeing." I nodded because I wanted that too. I expected him to want to prove me wrong, I expected us to contradict one another until one of us cried mercy or waved our white flag in surrender.

 

   "Okay. The thing is, I know that you know scripture. Lucas, I love it whenever you dive in and pick things apart, heck, I loved when Marcus was seeking, and he would call you because listening to you share what God tells you is amazing. But I just can't see it." I told him truthfully. The relationship my husband has with His Creator has always touched me deeply, and it still did in a way- only I felt as if we were no longer speaking the same language. 

 

   "If you're for real and you won't tit for tat me, then I would like to bring up, wait…Lucas, you know this book and you know all the things that Paul says- so you already know what I am going to say, don't you?" I asked and waved the bible I just closed at him trying to emphasize my point. He smiled and nodded but said, "Yes, I am pretty sure I know exactly what you are going to say, but only because I had the same exact questions. Regardless, I want to hear them from you. I want you to share each and every one of them with me. I want you to show me what your seeking has revealed to you." 
I bit down on my lip and shook my head slowly unsure how it would help, but I knew I loved him, and I at least wanted to try.

 

   "Okay. You all started keeping Torah and saying pork is forbidden but, According to Mark 7:19, Jesus Himself tells the Pharisees 'There is nothing that enters a person from the outside which can defile them.' because it's our hearts that make us clean or unclean. So, why then do you take on this burden? I know that you know you can't obey your way into salvation. Lucas, you were the one who showed me that, how then, can you tell me that what Jesus said was a lie or didn't matter?" 

 

I'm not sure if the fact that he was listening as he said he would while waiting for me to share was helping or hurting. What I realized as I listed out more and more things that I believed proved my point beyond the shadow of a doubt, was that the smile on his face and his calmness as he listened, poked at something deep inside hoping to rile me up. I could feel the anger trying to come over me, but I didn't want it there, so I refused to pay it any attention.

 

   "Would you like me to answer you? It's okay if your questions are rhetorical. You get to call the shots here." he asked clearly hoping to allow me to set the boundaries I had yet to commit to either one way or the other.

 

   "Yeah. I guess so." I answered and flipped back to Mark when he began to read to me from His own book, the verse I originally brought up.

 

   "If we pick this particular scene apart, we need to look at the full context. We need to know exactly what was being addressed or called out. What's made clear here is that Messiah and his taught ones were eating bread. we even know that it was unleavened bread that they were eating which is not one of the unclean foods stated in the Mosaic Laws. When the Pharisees called Him out, their issue was that they were eating with unclean hands, it wasn't at all about the food.  So, knowing their thoughts and what they were doing, Messiah forces the truth to be shown that the Pharisees were more concerned about their own hand-washing traditions than the actual commands of the Most High. This was all in reference to where the law was given to Moses in Exodus 30:17-21." I turned to look up the scripture he referenced, and he waited for me to finish before he continued.

 

   "So, we see now what the Pharisees were up to when they didn't call out the food itself as being unlawful only the fact that they didn't wash their hands. They were so rigid and clung to their traditions, that they couldn't wait to call out that the disciples hadn't washed their hands. That's why we are then told that Messiah explains what truly makes a man filthy. It wasn't about the food itself, that part was never in question here, but let me ask you this, is the problem you have only about keeping the law?" He asked and he wasn't at all trying to provoke me, that much I knew. Just like he said when he suggested we spend the morning together, he was talking with me.

 

   "It's legalism and in Colossians 2:16-23, Paul tells us that we must strongly resist the legalistic approach of the false teachers. Lucas, I'm an island here. I'm the only one resisting. Well, me and a party of a small we that is." he smiled that smile that squeezed my heart before he brushed my cheek with his knuckles softly and said, "I love that you are opening up to me. Thank you for sharing your heart. I love you. Now let me ask you this, do you struggle with the Ten Commandments or just the breakdown of the rest that were broken down and then assigned what was necessary for atonement if/when a person broke any of the commands?"

 

   "I believe Jesus fulfilled all the law. I believe He was sent because no one could keep them all, and God knew that and wanted a way to offer salvation to His children, so we could have a relationship with Him." I clarified what I believed in my heart to be true.

 

   "Okay, well. If the law was truly fulfilled does that mean, we can just do whatever our flesh wants to do? And please don't think I am mocking you I just really want to understand what you mean when you say fulfilled?" He pushed and I felt myself wanting to snap back but I chose instead to flip to Matthew 5 and the Sermon on the Mount. 

 

   "Starting at verse 17 of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, 'Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.'  It's right here." I read and while I knew it wasn't right I felt a bit smug. You can't argue with red letters. And what did my husband do? He winked. 

 

   "That's exactly what I would have said too," he said and then leaned over and kissed me while keeping a smile on his face. "So, why if the law is fulfilled do we try to keep any? Again, I am not making fun, I just want to hear your thoughts."

 

   "Lucas, Jesus sums it all up when He said to love God with all your heart, mind, and soul, and to love your neighbor as yourself. If you are trying to suggest that not eating pork is the same as not murdering, I don't buy it. The Ten Commandments are one thing, but the rest aren't even meant for you. You aren't an Israelite, you are a gentile." I answered feeling a bit flustered. 

 

   "Hey, I'm not trying to get you upset, Beautiful, I promise. I care about what it is you have to say." He said as he held my stare hoping I would see he was being serious.

 

   "If that's the case then how…how can you really believe this? Lucas, look at all of Paul's letters. He pretty much begs for the early churches to stop the madness of Torah. In chapter…" Before I could point out where I wanted him to look, he placed his hand over mine and waited for me to look at him. 

 

   "Can I answer you before we turn to Galatians chapters 2, 3, 4?" he asked with a smile.

 

   "Wait, I didn't even…you really do know what I am going to say. Why are you doing this then? This isn't a joke, Lucas." I cried out flustered. I felt as if whatever hope I mustered up and had been clinging to when we first sat down just fizzled out entirely.

 

   "No, Liz, please. Don't pull away. I know it isn't a joke. Not for a single second did I ever think it was, you said I know Scripture and you're right I do, that's why it's easy to know what you're going to say. I meant it when I told you I had to pray over those very same verses, those very same books. Please listen. Please don't shut me out."

 

I was mad. I was frustrated. I felt betrayed by the whole town, but I also knew I loved my husband and as much as I couldn't see how we would get past our differences, I at least knew I had to hear him out. Once I nodded, he continued.

 

   "In no means do I all of a sudden believe that obeying the law earns my salvation. What I know is that once I sought to find Him on His terms instead of what I heard and believed my whole life and then was even taught in seminary-things changed. You know how we are told that the law will be written on the hearts of the ones that call on Him in Truth, the ones that are given eyes to see…well, that's exactly what has happened.  I have always had a passion for the Word but it's as if I have been given full access now. Wait…hold on. Let's try this." He switched things up when he noticed he was losing me. Once again, I wasn't convinced he would say anything that was going to change my mind, but I didn't want to leave the way I was feeling. This time he moved so that he was sitting before me as close as he could get with his larger frame, while my legs were stretched out in front of me.

 

   "Let me ask you this, what would happen if a married couple just lived together and did absolutely nothing to keep fanning the flames of the relationship?" I couldn't help but feel as if the new train of thought may be smacking me in the face, so I tilted my head and blinked unamused.

 

   "Really, it's not a trick or a setup. Here I'll answer for you. If I all but quit doing things to show I love you, If I stopped coming home, if I only did the things I wanted to do and you were an afterthought because well, marriage was the end game and we hit that level so there's nothing left- that would be pretty miserable, yeah? Well, that's sort of how it was. It takes faith because that's obvious, without it, there's nothing else. The problem is in that very word though…We've been convinced that we have faith but all we had was belief. I can believe in marriage but if I don't obey my vows, if I don't love and pursue you, my beautiful wife, then my marriage is going to fail. The Messiah is the way, but once we truly yoke ourselves to Him the Spirit changes us and in response to that change, or perhaps it's more of a process of the change in us- we become obedient. This isn't something that's a chore, a burden, or especially not a means to earn favor in hopes of saving ourselves. It's a response to love in Truth. It's faith in motion because faith without works is dead." Lucas squeezed my hand as he stared into my eyes clearly hoping that his words somehow changed my mind.

 

The only thing I felt was loss. As much as our time together was something I was grateful for I still didn't see things the way he did. 

 

   "I still don't see it. I'm sorry. I get that you believe what you're doing is right but maybe I am not meant to." I began before I grabbed my Bible and stood from the bed. "I mean how many times does this very book say that He chooses whose heart gets softened? He chooses who gets to believe. I guess that's just not me." I turned away from him because I didn't have it in me to fight my tears. I asked Lucas not to follow me when I walked out the door. 

 

As my feet ran down each of the steps that brought me further and further from my husband, I couldn't help but feel as if my life would never again be the same. In some ways losing Christopher was easier than watching my life with Lucas fall apart because I had to still see my husband. Each time I looked at the man I loved all I could see was everything that was stolen from me once again.