"Josh"

​

   I'm not exactly sure how, but for me, life on the ranch seemed a bit easier since the big awakening. Don't get me wrong, things were complicated in many ways where they hadn't been before, but those of us on the ranch were fortunate to have one another.

 

   For the most part, we all came to the Truth rather easily. Does that mean we didn't have questions, or we didn't pick things apart?

   

   Absolutely, not, we did.

   

   The thing is, I began searching for Who It was that I believed in long before I was told what His name was, and I think that's true of the people around me as well (for the most part at least).

 

I'm fairly certain that if you're reading this, you're more than likely familiar with my wife and our story, where I shared with her all the different names of the Most High and where to find them in Scripture. The only thing I didn't know until recently is what His actual name was.

 

   For me, this wasn't something that left me feeling slighted or as if I wasn't truly showing up and seeking Him just because I hadn't found it on my own. What mattered to me was that, in His perfect timing, I was given a chance to learn it.

 

My daily life, all the decisions I make, are still left in the hands of my Almighty Father, and I still spend a good portion of my time in His word (just as we all should). As I search the Holy Scriptures, allowing the Set Apart Spirit to lead, I find that I prefer using my old bible in conjunction with my new restored names one, as it helps me feel like Yah is showing me that He was and is there all along, regardless of the great lengths so many went through to try and hide Him away. I've also been trying to learn ancient Hebrew because the more I set out to learn, the more Yahuah shows me.

 

   What I struggled with is all of the lies.

 

I was a soldier. It was a big part of my life, and while I may not have saturated myself with all things military, I easily would have considered myself to be a "patriot" and supporter of Team USA. Once I began seeing things for what they truly are and digging into all of the lies we are taught from early childhood on, what I uncovered nearly took me out. I'm beyond grateful that I had Marcus and Taylor there to hold me up.

 

That may sound a bit odd, more specifically the fact that I didn't say It was the Most High Who got me through it, but here's the thing, when the world I thought I knew blew apart I clung to the physical people Yah gave me in hope of keeping me from losing my mind all together. My Creator already knew what would unfold before the day of reckoning arrived, and in His infinite wisdom, He placed people in the right place at the right time, ready for the aftermath of the things I had to face. So, technically, it was Yahuah and the prayers of my wife and brothers that covered me, but in those moments, when the very air I needed to breathe felt too thick for my lungs to take in, I can admit that I was NOT okay.

​

This period of time was where all of us ranch dwellers came to the conclusion that all the crazy, all the lies, all the indoctrination, manipulation, distractions, and control offered undeniable proof that our souls are much more valuable than we ever thought, and we learned that the Almighty's name- matters.

​

   Another thing I struggled with (wait, maybe that's not what I mean. I don't struggle with it, I just don't like anything about it) is the fact that life is different now.

 

Life on the ranch is the best it's been as far as providing, being profitable, and forging strong bonds of a true family, but there was a much larger group that used to come together and was a part of that family that has since been downsized. My parents, my sister, heck, the whole fireside crew has changed. Parts of it are beautiful and seem to be exactly like Yahuah designed it to be, but the part where not everyone had their eyes opened, that part, is heart-wrenching. I can honestly say I never knew just how little- "few" would be especially when thinking about it in regards to my loved ones, and my heart breaks all the time for the truth of it.

​

   

    When I stumbled upon the truth and the depth of the corruption surrounding me, a part of me wanted to go and talk with my parents. I really wanted to talk to my dad, but my mother and sister have rejected the Truth, choosing instead to tie themselves to the ghost of my brother. I can't even begin to understand what they are thinking, but I do know that Yahuah has allowed me to sort of see the whys in the ones who have rejected Him. I'm quite certain it's so that I can be mindful around them as well as so I know how to pray for them, but it still hurts knowing that the very truth they claim to believe and are clinging to is completely wrong, and based on lies. I want to shake um' and scream until they wake up, but I know, intentions aside, it will never work.

​

People can be shown all the evidence in the world to prove what's real, but at some point, they have to choose to let go of the lies and believe it for themselves. You know the whole you can lead a horse to water thing? Sadly, what I've learned is that more times than not, people will choose what's familiar, regardless of the consequences. And sometimes they'll even fight you as they search for ways to back up their beliefs instead of searching for the actual truth-period!

​

 

   I was just finishing up payroll when I caught a glimpse of someone making their way over toward my office. This wasn't something new, so I didn't rush to see who it was immediately. On any given day that I had office work to do Butch, any of the guys, my wife with or without our boys would pop in so when I looked up and saw that it was my father, I stood up right away and smiled.

 

As the two of us moved closer, a feeling of uncertainty began to creep up on me. Like I already said, there were some things I really wasn't a fan of since the "Awakening". The way things changed between my father and me was one of those things.

​

     "Son," my father greeted me in a tone that felt a bit similar to the way I had been feeling on the inside, only he looked like he was tired.

 

My dad was a man who worked hard all of his life, but I would have never said he looked his age. Granted, he wasn't an old man by any means (let's be real, I am in my thirties and he is a grandfather to six grandchildren), but in that moment, it was as if I could see on the outside all the years he had in him.

 

    "Dad," I answered respectfully, almost afraid to ask what brought him over. For a brief moment, I allowed myself half a second to pretend nothing had changed between us. "It's good to see you," I added, hoping that he knew how true it was.

 

     "I don't know what to say or how we got here, but I feel like I'm losing you, and I can't lose another child, Josh." He admitted, and before he could say another word, I took the few steps between us, hard and fast, and threw my arms around my father. I loved that man, and I wanted to fix whatever we could as fast as possible.

 

     "I'm not going anywhere," I said, and we both squeezed a little tighter.

 

     "I'm not sure if you heard, but Lizzie moved in with Mom and me. I don't want to go too much into that because it's not my place, but when I was over at Lucas's, Marcus said something about you that caught me off guard because I had no clue. I hate that you were going through things that I knew nothing about. It's not supposed to be like this. I never wanted it to be like this. How did this chasm come between us, and how do we build a bridge?"

 

     "I think this is the first step," I answered and stood up straight to look him in the eye. "I'm not sure what caused it, but on my end, it wasn't completely intentional." I started, and was grateful that I chose to take my run across the ranch that morning so the two of us could talk while we walked on the way back to my place.

 

After I noticed his nod and he agreed to walk with me, I shared some of the things that've been going on.

 

     "Like I said, it wasn't completely intentional, but I'll get to that part in a sec. Dad, there's a part of me that is afraid to ask what you're thinking. Mom and Lizzie have been shouting their disapproval right out the gate, and I'm tired of what they have to say. Lizzie is as nasty as a port-o-john in August after a week-long fair, and Mom is steadily sprinkling potpourri around her, hoping to get rid of the stench. No disrespect." I added because while I was trying to make my point, I did love them.

 

I was relieved when I saw his jaw tick as he fought the urge to smile at what I'd consider to be a rather apt description of the current situation.

 

     "I love them both, Dad, but I can't sit by and watch them self-destruct, and while I should have reached out to see how you were holding up, having to live with it and all, I didn't want to hear that you were fanning the fumes right along with um. I didn't have to question it all too much as far as Him and I go, I knew in my soul that the One Who showed up and never left since I was overseas hadn't changed, I'd been searching for Him all along and the day I learned His name was like my shovel finally hit the treasure box I'd been trying to find. It made me feel even closer to Him for the most part, but dad…I was not prepared for the rest that comes along when you're given eyes to see." He nodded, and instead of continuing, I paused to see if he had something to say, figuring why uncap the shaken-up bottle if he wasn't feeling the effects of fizz.

 

After placing his hand on my shoulder, he stopped moving and waited for me to look at him.

 

     "I can imagine how hard it must have been for you. I'm sorry."

 

   I didn't expect him to say that.

 

I'm not sure what I thought he would say, maybe tell me he also knew His Maker and feels closer since learning His name. Or if I am being honest, maybe I was afraid he would shut it all down like my mom and sister had, but hearing him say he was sorry caught me off guard a bit.

 

 

   The two of us started walking again after he asked if I'd share more about the things I had struggled with.

 

Here's the thing though, I had no clue where my dad was with all of it. I knew I didn't want to say anything harmful if he wasn't sure or on the fence, but I wouldn't lie to him either. I also had no idea if he came across any of the worldly lies that unravel before your eyes when you embrace the Truth. The thing about finding that stuff out is that it doesn't matter that you sat down willingly at the table ready to feast, it is still hard to digest it all because there is just too much, so I was glad when he was the one to speak again.

 

     "I learned some things on my own mission to find the truth, and as your father, I have to say I wish it weren't so, son. I feel like, on so many levels, I have failed you and your brother. Now…hold up, let me explain." While he was correct, I was about to shut down that line of thinking altogether because, in no way did I blame my parents for any of it, I was curious to hear where he was going to go with it.

 

After I nodded, he continued.

 

     "At first, I was really angry. The more of the lies I uncovered, the more I found myself wishing I hadn't been a part of continuing in um. But I knew that was just more of the enemy trying to regain control, to perhaps try and write a different narrative. I found a bit of comfort when Samuel said you can't punish yourself for things you didn't know before you learned them. His words stuck with me and became a filter for me to run things through. I ended up feeling grateful that I was taught how to work the land by my grand-daddy, and all of the years I spent on the farm, with my wife, and my boys looking up and paying attention to the things I saw turned out to be a true blessing, and so much bigger than I ever realized. I wasn't fully indoctrinated like everyone else. I was a Texan, of course, and would've sworn I bled red, white, and blue. I taught you boys that Texas, America, and family mattered most. I know what I felt when I uncovered the lies and learned about all of the corruption, so I can only imagine what it must have been like for you." He shared and blew out a breath as he shook his head slowly.

 

I offered a little hum before letting him in on some of what I felt when I learned the depth of the deception this country was founded on and perpetrates on the people,

 

   "I can't put my finger on the thing that hurt most, but learning the Christian narrative was all a lie and this country was founded on the occult was a pretty tough one. Once I saw it, though, I couldn't un-see it. And then I struggled with the fact that I never questioned any of it and just accepted it as truth because that's what we are taught all of our lives. I was angry, just like you said you were, and I started to unravel because while I may not have adopted the soldier persona fully, I was a soldier. I was proud that I served my country. Dad, I ended up hating that part of myself so much, I burned it all. Everything that had to do with this country and the military, I got rid of. It was Marcus and Tyler who saved me from having a full-blown mental breakdown. I truly hated myself for being a programmed weapon, fully brainwashed and conditioned to take orders, no questions asked." I was prepared to feel the betrayal and anger again when I admitted what I felt not that long ago out loud to my dad, and was grateful when it didn't come. I took in a deep breath and thanked Yah for truly getting me through it all the way only He could, before I continued.

 

     "Sort of like what you learned from Samuel, I had to learn to accept that it wasn't my fault. And Dad, it wasn't your fault either. What's been done was...is diabolically evil, and it was intentionally done with the hope that we wouldn't become wise to any of it. Being given a chance to see the Matrix for what it is, to see beyond the illusion, is a true gift. I was given the opportunity to stop generation blindness from going any further down the line of our family. My boys will know their Maker's name, and they can call on Him just like He says in His Word, His children do, and that…that is what matters. I have learned to love my wife in ways I hadn't even been aware of before, and let me tell you, I truly thought Beth and I had that part figured out right from the start. But, Yahuah has opened my eyes to see that beyond flesh, beyond our earthly marriage, that woman's soul has been yolked to mine and that's the bond that Yahuah holds together so that no one, nothing on earth has the power to separate the two of us. She is a part of me for real. I'm not sure why He picked me to open my eyes, but I will forever be grateful, and I will never stop praying for Momma, Lizzie, and whoever else that's walking around blind. Never!"

 

     "Ha. I would've never guessed you needed any lessons on how to love your wife. I mean ya'll been fixing to start your own baseball team since you said I do…" my dad teased, and we both laughed at the truth of his words. "I'm just playing. I am glad to hear it, though. I mean it's been what…five years and a bit since we left Texas with a new Morris, and since then have four more added to us?" he reminisced before I cut him off.

 

     "Um," I started, and the smile on my face let on to where I was headed.

 

     "No way. Is she really now?" he questioned while a smile grew as he waited for me to confirm.

 

     "She hasn't said anything yet, but I think so. Wait till you see her, and let me know what you think."

 

     "Well, son…congratulations, but 5 in six years? Don't you think she deserves a break?" he offered while he patted my back and lifted his brow, still smiling.

 

     "Thank you, sir. We didn't plan any of them, but I wouldn't have it any other way either. I will say this in truth, though…I thought our place was plenty big, and then we had Phinn, and if my gut's right, we'll have this new one we'll have to make room for. I sure am glad we love being outside, that's all I'm saying. Heck, Butch already jokes that we might have to switch homes if we keep it up."

 

     "You'll make a way, and it will be as if you planned it all along in the end." He said, and I liked the way that sounded. We would make a way no matter what because that's what we do. Beth and I have winged it since day one, and I'd say things turned out more than just alright. We know Who runs the show, and we trust His plan, no matter what it is.

​

 

     "Paw-Paw" Ezra called when he saw his grandpa walking with me from where he was standing on the porch. Once Beth told him he could, EJ took off running our way and leapt into my dad's arms with a grin. As my dad spun the four-year-old around, some of the years I thought I'd seen earlier on his face seemed to fade away. It had been a while since my dad had seen the boys, and when kids are little, things change rather quickly.

 

     "Hey, big guy. How are you?" my dad asked as he placed Ezra back on his own two feet.

 

     "I have a new lasso," he answered and handed over his new favorite thing.

 

     "A loose tooth and a lasso, huh? Well, how about that? Have you roped anything yet?" Just as Ezra was about to answer, James yelled out, "I did, I did!" bubbling over with excitement.

 

I smiled at James and ruffled up his hair a bit while letting him know I was proud of him, before I laid eyes on my wife as she made her way over to meet us with our youngest two.

 

     "Well, I'll be...it sure is good to see you. both." Beth greeted, flashing my father and me a welcoming grin. I gave my wife a quick kiss and took our youngest, Phinehas, from her. Once free, she threw her arms around my dad and teased, "Long time no see, stranger. I sure have missed seeing your face around here…we all have."

 

My dad nodded in such a way that easily revealed that he felt the same. Aware of the shyness that our two-year-old Ethan felt, my dad offered his palm for a high five and was met with a bashful smirk as Ethan Aaron clapped the much larger hand held out before him while he clung to Beth's leg.

 

   

   Ethan is all about his momma.

I can't say I blame him either. I sort of smile inside whenever I look at her mini-me (male version, of course) and can see the special bond they have. He is the sweetest child, and when it's just us, he is quite loving and silly, even. When there are people around who don't live inside our house, he is attached to my wife, though. My dad was one of the few people he would leave Beth's side for, and I could see a part of him remembered that.

​

You may be asking yourself How long has it been? And instead of simply just throwing a period of time out there just to offer an answer, I'd like to remind you that things in Spring View are a little different than most places. That being said, periods of time are much different for children as well.

​

 

   My dad ended up staying for dinner, which was nice. It was one of the night we had already planned to eat at the main house with the rest of the ranch dwellers and while at first a part of me wanted to hang back at our place with my dad, another part, the part I'm grateful showed up, was glad he got to spend time with everyone. We all missed him.

 

After dinner Ezra, and JR showed off their roping skills while Wyatt helped and even let them try to lasso him as he bucked around like a wild animal, getting us all to laugh.

 

     "I'm glad you have this, son. The love, the relationships, it makes me happy knowing how blessed you are." I caught a glimpse of a tear that escaped his eye just before he wiped it away. Beth reached her hand over and placed it on my dad's knee and let him know that he is a part of our family/our blessings, and made him promise he would be back before the week came to an end.

 

     "Love means that no one is left behind or forgotten. We all love Messiah; this nonsense that's dividing us is not what the Almighty wants for His children." She declared as she wrapped her arms around him in a hug.

 

     "You are right, and yet it seems as if we are living on two completely different continents sometimes," he agreed while stating the harsh reality of what has happened over the past few months.

​

     "No more. We have to make the decision to put an end to it, and I am officially declaring that our weekly fireside time needs to get back to what it used to be. This week we will host, and even though I believe we should all be there, I am going to propose that this Friday, the ranch will host all the one-time regulars to restore the peace. It's been too long, and it's not good for any of us." Butch offered to which we all agreed.

​

​

​

​

"Beth"

​

     "Good morning, Lee. I tried to let you sleep as long as I possibly could, but Phinn and Ethan are chompin' at the bit, and as much as I am a decent second, I am not the momma." The sound of my husband's voice waking me left me feeling all sorts of discombobulated..

 

     "Huh? Why aren't you at work and…" I started, while blinking my eyes, trying to focus and figure things out. Josh's smile has done things to me since before I even officially met him, and nothing has happened since to change that. It wasn't all that often he'd wake me up, and it was even more rare for him to do it while the sun was already shining.

 

     "I wanted to start today with the boys and give you a little break. After spending time with my dad, I don't know, it just sort of felt right," he answered the questions I hadn't figured out how to ask him yet, and handed me my favorite mug filled with coffee.

 

     "Kiss first, please." After he kissed me, he stared at me almost as if he was waiting to see if I was going to drink the coffee. Confused, I searched the mug to see if maybe he tried a new blend or something, but when his eyebrow raised as he watched me take my sip, I asked him what was up.

 

     "Nothin'" he tried to get out, but I wasn't buying it, so I pressed, only I pulled him down and searched his eyes for whatever he was trying to hide from me.

 

     "A part of me thought you might…" he started and quickly looked away from my gaze and over to the door where the boys were waiting to be told they could come in.

 

     "On no…oh no. Wait a minute…Joshua Jamison Morris- do you think I am pregnant again?" I got out once it clicked, and I figured out what he was skating around.

 

     "Well, Bee…yeah, I did, but something about the look on your face right now has changed my mind," he got out, clearly unsure if he had upset me.

 

That's the thing, though. It's my hormonal seesaw that usually gives it away, but I wasn't pregnant this time; I was simply hormonal. I wasn't mad at him, but I did start to cry, which I was pretty much used to since I had been pregnant four times in the just past five years we have been together. Tears fell, but along with them, I started laughing. I laughed so hard I could barely catch my breath.

 

I still hadn't been able to get my laughter under control before our oldest son yelled out, "Uncle Lucas is here."

 

     "I'll go say hi, but I'm sure he is looking for you since I'm not usually here." Josh let me know and kissed my head before he went out to greet my brother.

 

I threw on my robe and pulled my hair up into a messy bun while I made my way out into our living room.

 

 

   Our house was the most beautiful home I had ever seen. Josh designed it himself. He knew what he wanted and worked with our fathers and Butch to figure out how to make the lake the focal point of our home. His love of the ranch and wanting to add to the beauty surrounding us gave him the idea to use as much glass as possible when drafting up his vision. We had ceiling-to-floor windows in all the rooms with outside walls that look out to the very lake where our love story began. Sure, it's the opposite side of it, but it's the same body of water, and the way Josh designed our home offers the most gorgeous views, no matter which room you find yourself in.

 

The rest of the building materials he chose allowed our house to blend into the scenery. I believe the style aligns itself with Frank Lloyd Wright's designs; all I know is that it's perfect, and I wouldn't change a thing.

 

     

     "Hey there, sleepyhead," my oldest brother called out as he carried all four of my children at the same time. Ezra was hanging on his back, James was clinging to one of his legs with Ethan on the other like legwarmers, and our youngest, Phinehas, was in his arms, perfectly content until he saw me, of course.

 

     "Okay, bud, okay, you can have your momma. She has some nerve making you wait for breakfast." Lucas teased as he made his way over toward me. Before he could hand over Phinn, my mini-me had already let go of his uncle and was making a beeline towards me with his hands up. I lifted him into my arms and said good morning to everyone, and was grateful when Josh handed me my refilled mug.

 

     "Are you staying for a bit or do you have to run?" I asked and placed Ethan down on the chaise before I took a very hungry Phinehas from my brother and sat down next to Ethan like we had most mornings.

 

     "I've got a few more minutes before I need to meet Danny and Marcus on the far side of the ranch, unless you want privacy, Lucas?" Josh answered and waited before taking a seat for Lucas's lead.

 

     "Honestly, I just came because it's been a while. I miss seeing all of you," he said, and the pain I could hear in his voice made my heart clench in my chest.

 

     "Oh, Lucas. You are welcome here anytime. I hope you know that." I assured him, to which he smiled and nodded. People say that to others all the time, and yet, for some reason, we think it isn't true.

 

I wasn't a fan of what's happened between all of the people I love and I was really glad Butch opened the door back up and set things into motion in hopes of fixing things. Sure, the door or gate, I suppose, was never closed over here at the ranch, but there was distance and way too much time that grew between us over the past few months.

 

     "Did you hear that Uncle Butch has officially made Friday nights a thing again? I mean, it never was supposed to stop. I never wanted it to, and I really don't think anyone else did either. How did we get here? Oh, and to lighten things up a bit- Josh thought I was pregnant again up until about um…how long has it been since you got here?" I threw out there purposefully, trying to change the mood.

 

Taking in a deep breath and shaking his head, looking back and forth between Josh and me, Lucas just laughed a little before taking a sip of his coffee.

​

     "Okay, maybe I do have to leave after all," Josh suggested before I smiled and let him know I was only teasing.

 

     "In all fairness, Bee, can you blame him? You've been pregnant pretty much your entire relationship, so does he even know who you are when you aren't growing a child?" Lucas offered in my husband's defense, and as I let the words sink in, I ended up laughing out loud all over again.

 

He was right. I had been pregnant each year we'd been married, starting from our first week as husband and wife. We hadn't planned any of our boys, but we hadn't not planned them either. We truly just left it up to the Creator, and He has gifted us with four incredible boys so far.

​

     "I hadn't heard yet about Friday, but I am glad to hear it. I just wish that some things could be like they once were. I miss it all, you know?" Lucas confessed, and it was clear that although he was clinging to hope, the fact that his life was flipped upside down was taking a real toll on him.

 

     "Are you afraid she won't come?" I asked, hating seeing my brother so broken when he used to be such a lighthearted and fun guy.

 

     "I'll talk to her. I want to be the one to officially invite her. I'm sure my dad has already said something to my mom and Lizzie both, but you know how she gets. I'll let her know it's a good thing. Besides, we haven't talked much since I put her in her place, and regardless of whether or not I was right, I know I shouldn't have been so mean. I owe her an apology, as long as I'm not stepping on your toes, Lucas." Josh interjected, to which my brother just nodded and smiled.

 

     "To be honest, I don't even know what to say to her anymore. It's like no matter what comes out, she takes it the wrong way. I'm not sure why we can't figure out how to love one another when it came as easily as breathing before. I mean, we don't even believe in different things when it comes down to it. I know she believes in the Almighty and His Son, so I'm not sure why the fact that the Most High has a name and His Son's name isn't what we've been told is enough to blow apart my life and take away my wife and kids."

 

And there it was. The very thing I had hoped to chase away earlier had come back. I knew nothing good came from places of denial, but knowing there was nothing I could do to fix things for my brother, hurt.

 

Once Phinn was finished feeding, Lucas offered to burp him for me. My son wasn't going to make everything better for his uncle, but there was something about cuddling a baby that made things feel a little less crummy. I'm sure it has to do with their innocence and the way they just love unconditionally, while they depend on people for all of their needs. Whatever it is, it helps, even if only for a little while.